Bloggers have the ability to wield great power. Where does that power come from, though? Some say it comes from building thousands or millions of followers through years of hard work. That’s stupid, though. Obviously the power comes from saying what you want to say, when you want to say it. People respect that. Readers are just an annoying part of most blogs. There are ways to minimize the annoyance, though, so you can focus on becoming the Internet version of the stereotypical old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn.
Don’t work very hard
You don’t want to strain yourself, so don’t go out of your way to make sure your spelling is correct. Don’t check your writing to see if any of it makes sense, either. That’ll just get in the way of your World of Warcraft time. Human error is natural; embrace it. Live in your mistakes and let others deal with it as they see fit. Spell check and proofreading take up too much time and you’re too busy picking digital flowers so you can brew a new potion.
Ignore what everyone else says
Don’t bother looking at any comments left on your blog posts. It’s not like anyone else has something to add. You know it all, anyway. You’re the one with the blog, after all. Ignore all of their input and don’t comment back. If you do manage to get sucked into a discussion, remind them constantly that you’re the one running the show and if they disagree they can find plenty of other blogs that will welcome their awful, false ideas. Better yet, just disable commenting entirely.
Promote yourself at every opportunity
Shove your blog into everyone’s faces. Get their emails and send them messages four, five, or even ten times a day. Bug everyone and ask why they aren’t reading your blog. Randomly call people news sites and promote your awesome new blog. It doesn’t matter that you just set up your WordPress.com 20 minutes ago. Go door to door with handouts about your new blog and when someone answers keep them at the door for as long as possible talking about it.
Use as much jargon as possible
Use a lot of lingo and technical terms. The people who really matter will understand what you’re saying, while the rest can go look it up somewhere if it really matters that much to them. Still, they’re probably not smart enough to understand your blog even if they’re surrounded by dictionaries.
Write about anything that enters your mind
There’s no need to focus on a specific topic or industry on your blog. It’s all about what you want. If someone doesn’t appreciate your segues from lawnmower maintenance to the effects of steel prices on the industrial district in Shanghai, they should just mind their own business. Keep your readers guessing about what they will read next; that’s how you excite people. Also, readers want to hear about your opinions on everything, without any pesky data or research to sway them.
Don’t pay for any professional services
Sure, there are companies out there that’ll design a slick website for you, but you know your readers and blog better than any “professionals.” Writing on your blog is what’s important, not whether it can be read easily, has a memorable domain name and looks pretty. Do it all yourself and shout down anyone who tries to tell you to hire a design firm.
No matter what you do to keep your readers away, it’s important to focus on yourself. Your needs are important, not your readers’. They’re just numbers anyway.